Something terrible just happened to me.
I went to the gym. Now I don't usually get as far as the gym on a Tuesday night but if I happen to be free, I might go to a little Beginners Pilates. This mostly consists of laying on the floor and feebly waggling your limbs about while breathing deeply and slowly. Sometimes, even the limb waggling is too much. You just lay there and breathe. But I've never really been inducted into proper pilates technique - if there is such a thing - so I've always avoided the advanced class which starts an hour earlier as I feared inflexible humiliation.
But today, I thought hey let's be wild. I'll try the advanced class. What's the worse that can happen? Well, what, indeed??
Let's just take a minute to look at exactly what pilates is. A definition, stolen from whatisholistics.com (thanks) as follows:
This is an exercise system that is focused on building strength without bulk, improving flexibility and agility, and helping to prevent injury. It involves a series of controlled movements that engage both your body and mind.
Controlled movements that engage your body and mind.
The first strangeness when I stepped into the class was that no-one was drawing off their socks and shoes and preparing the mat on which they would lay for the next hour. Tremulously I asked a tough-looking girl next to me if we didn't need mats? She said, oh yes, we took them at the end of the class. Fair enough. In Body Balance, we sometimes wildly stand on one leg for a bit. Perhaps this is similar.
The teacher has some kind of savage lively rock-like music on the stereo which is also a bit unusual. I'm more used to whale song or Sting. But that's probably just a pre-class thing, right?
Wrong wrong wrong.
The warm up consists peculiarly of many punches and kicks, springing from foot to foot. Now you won't ever have seen me punch anything. Because I can't really. I have no determination to punch in the first place and so no follow-through. To say I punch like a girl would insult girl-kind. So I'm pranking round like an idiot. Of course everyone knows the proper punching routine so as well as looking ridiculous, I'm several punches behind everyone else so they're all watching me with a fascinated pity. I'm a bit taken aback when she shouts (of one particular punch) "AIM FOR THE CHIN". That doesn't really sound like part of a series of controlled movements that engage both your body and mind.
But it's ok because this is only the warm-up, right? I'll soon come into my own, queen of the cow pose, right?
Wrong wrong wrong.
The whole class is a mad frenzy of punching and kicking. And my, it's very good for developing your muscle tone. My arms now are almost too weak to type. I couldn't quite master the flayling kicks and lunges so my legs aren't in the same quite so pitiful state but I suspect I'll feel it tomorrow.
At last we draw out the mats. A little laying still and breathing? No. Some frantic push-ups and strange revolving stomach crunches. Then at last, the warm-down. A cat stretch. Downward dog. Familiar faithful language at last. Ok, so this must just be the nature of advanced pilates. Fierce and energetic and that's why they recommend six regular sessions of pilates before you embark on this. Fair enough.
Slightly sheepishly, I approach the teacher at the end of the shameful hour. "Was that pilates, then?" She looks at me like I'm insane. "No!" I am utterly confused. "But it's Tuesday, right?" I'm racking my brain to think of any way that it could not be Tuesday, in which case what am I accidentally missing... As she's giving me nothing: "Well, what is it then?" "Body Combat (stupid)" "But I thought..." Realisation dawns. "Oh my god you thought this was pilates." Cue general hilarity. "This, pilates?!! Pilates is downstairs!!!!" Screech screech screech. "I'll know next time...." I slither out of the room.
Now ultimately this is the fault of the floods as I was meant to go to Aberdeen yesterday but didn't on account of the floods. We cancelled it again today for fear of the floods, I'd already got the lovely Heather lined up to replace me prompting tonight and she was keen to see it when I advised her that I could, in fact, attend after all. So I was really forced into the class of shame.
On the plus side, I've always been terrified of Body Combat for - perhaps self-evident - reasons. And now I have conquered it. Beware the terrible whirling fighting dervish if you take me by surprise in the Edinburgh byways and sideways in the dead of night.
I went to the gym. Now I don't usually get as far as the gym on a Tuesday night but if I happen to be free, I might go to a little Beginners Pilates. This mostly consists of laying on the floor and feebly waggling your limbs about while breathing deeply and slowly. Sometimes, even the limb waggling is too much. You just lay there and breathe. But I've never really been inducted into proper pilates technique - if there is such a thing - so I've always avoided the advanced class which starts an hour earlier as I feared inflexible humiliation.
But today, I thought hey let's be wild. I'll try the advanced class. What's the worse that can happen? Well, what, indeed??
Let's just take a minute to look at exactly what pilates is. A definition, stolen from whatisholistics.com (thanks) as follows:
This is an exercise system that is focused on building strength without bulk, improving flexibility and agility, and helping to prevent injury. It involves a series of controlled movements that engage both your body and mind.
Controlled movements that engage your body and mind.
The first strangeness when I stepped into the class was that no-one was drawing off their socks and shoes and preparing the mat on which they would lay for the next hour. Tremulously I asked a tough-looking girl next to me if we didn't need mats? She said, oh yes, we took them at the end of the class. Fair enough. In Body Balance, we sometimes wildly stand on one leg for a bit. Perhaps this is similar.
The teacher has some kind of savage lively rock-like music on the stereo which is also a bit unusual. I'm more used to whale song or Sting. But that's probably just a pre-class thing, right?
Wrong wrong wrong.
The warm up consists peculiarly of many punches and kicks, springing from foot to foot. Now you won't ever have seen me punch anything. Because I can't really. I have no determination to punch in the first place and so no follow-through. To say I punch like a girl would insult girl-kind. So I'm pranking round like an idiot. Of course everyone knows the proper punching routine so as well as looking ridiculous, I'm several punches behind everyone else so they're all watching me with a fascinated pity. I'm a bit taken aback when she shouts (of one particular punch) "AIM FOR THE CHIN". That doesn't really sound like part of a series of controlled movements that engage both your body and mind.
But it's ok because this is only the warm-up, right? I'll soon come into my own, queen of the cow pose, right?
Wrong wrong wrong.
The whole class is a mad frenzy of punching and kicking. And my, it's very good for developing your muscle tone. My arms now are almost too weak to type. I couldn't quite master the flayling kicks and lunges so my legs aren't in the same quite so pitiful state but I suspect I'll feel it tomorrow.
At last we draw out the mats. A little laying still and breathing? No. Some frantic push-ups and strange revolving stomach crunches. Then at last, the warm-down. A cat stretch. Downward dog. Familiar faithful language at last. Ok, so this must just be the nature of advanced pilates. Fierce and energetic and that's why they recommend six regular sessions of pilates before you embark on this. Fair enough.
Slightly sheepishly, I approach the teacher at the end of the shameful hour. "Was that pilates, then?" She looks at me like I'm insane. "No!" I am utterly confused. "But it's Tuesday, right?" I'm racking my brain to think of any way that it could not be Tuesday, in which case what am I accidentally missing... As she's giving me nothing: "Well, what is it then?" "Body Combat (stupid)" "But I thought..." Realisation dawns. "Oh my god you thought this was pilates." Cue general hilarity. "This, pilates?!! Pilates is downstairs!!!!" Screech screech screech. "I'll know next time...." I slither out of the room.
Now ultimately this is the fault of the floods as I was meant to go to Aberdeen yesterday but didn't on account of the floods. We cancelled it again today for fear of the floods, I'd already got the lovely Heather lined up to replace me prompting tonight and she was keen to see it when I advised her that I could, in fact, attend after all. So I was really forced into the class of shame.
On the plus side, I've always been terrified of Body Combat for - perhaps self-evident - reasons. And now I have conquered it. Beware the terrible whirling fighting dervish if you take me by surprise in the Edinburgh byways and sideways in the dead of night.
posted by Claire at 8:33 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home