I’m getting there. I’ve paid the second 50% of the venue cost. It’s kind of alarming writing the cheques myself – even when I’m using someone else’s money to pay the bills. It reminds me rather sharply that this is an expensive hobby. And I still haven’t paid the performing rights fee.

I’ve also submitted the venue programme entry. A couple of days late but the girl in charge was friendly enough about it. I explained deceitfully that I’d been on holiday. Obviously I could have been more organised before I left but she obligingly didn’t mention that.

It’s a funny thing deciding on the programme wording. How to sum up the mastery of your pride and joy in 40 words that won’t fail to charm a prospective audience faced with a few thousand alternatives?

I assume some basic rules. Mention the author (if it’s going to help your case). I cheerfully bandied previous festival show authors’ names all over our publicity as if they were some kind of good luck charm. Or endorsement of our efforts. Whereas patient amateur audiences in particular know full well that simply performing something is no guarantee of any quality of the end product.

I endeavour to mention previous sell out productions. In this case, I’m thwarted as it seems dishonourable to mention my sellout fringe production of Sarah Kane’s “Crave” three years ago. I don’t think our production of Mark Ravenhill’s “Some Explicit Polaroids” two years ago ever sold out. And much as the festival show that I featured in last year sold out, it was more or less nothing to do with me and everything to do with the Royal Bank of Scotland. So that would be dishonourable on a whole new level.

Finally, I like to feature quotes from respectable sources. I fear that this is the frustrated academic in me as I constantly endeavour to do the same in wholly inappropriate work documents. A habit which once charmed one client but tends more usually to appal people with my pointless pedantry. The problem of course is that none of these respectable sources are ever talking about us but about other productions of the same play. So stealing their words is clearly cheating. But no-one has caught up with me yet.

So this year’s effort, our programme entry shall read as follows:

From award-winning writer Abi Morgan, a tale of two friends who fall in love with the same girl. Memories collide, electricity crackles. But what is fate and what is just coincidence?
“A play of remarkable intensity and richness.” Time Out

Must make sure we get some electricity SFX.