I owe you a proper post on this. It's late so I shan't do it justice.

But as a teaser - and as auditions are now looming - let me say simply that:

As research for this forthcoming theatrical epic, I sought out a copy of the renowned (accurately or not - on this, more later) film, Cleopatra.

Featuring Lizzy Taylor and Mr B.

All five hours and forty something minutes of it.

The money that has been lavished on it cannot be denied.

Some of the acting is first rate.

(As a consequence of this, I want my Antony to look hot in a skirt - not that he'll be wearing one but it's a casting couch prerogative - and to smoulder like a bastard. And I want Cleopatra to be - well - Elizabeth Taylor. Think you can manage that?)

But the script writing skill could be questioned by those less spiteful than I.

I've laboriously written out a selection of my favourite lines as they made me laugh so much.

Here is a tantalising foretaste.

An exchange between elegant eagle-eyed statesman Caesar and sultry young 'Lizabeth.

Caesar: You should attack my guards more often. Battles become you. You grow more beautiful every time I see you.

Cleopatra: And you grow balder.

It's not Shakespeare.